I know! I know! It has been all summer. It has been in my heart to blog, but sometimes things need to marinate. There are some things that need space and time to sink in, be processed, and in some ways, enjoyed. A lot has happened over the summer. My life has been redirected as it were, back to my original focus or passion. I have decided to apply to Harvard for a PhD in Educational Leadership.
Yeah I know! Craziness! And believe me, there have been a few people in my life to look and me and say, "WTH!?" "How the hell are you gonna do that?" Then there are those who know me and say, "It is just gonna get done, that's how!" And I understand where everyone is coming from. I really do. It is Harvard. And I do have a family and three little girls. I did just start a business and buy a house. Yes. I know. But I am 40 years old and I have finally come to accept some things about myself.
First, I rarely do things the way they are "supposed" to be done. That may make things harder but it sure does make it interesting. I will always have my hands in several pots and there will always be another "thing" for me to do. I know I am hard to be married to, especially if you are not a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person. Believe me, I leave my husband shaking and scratching his head on a daily basis. If I decide to do something, I usually just go and do it; often like a bull in a china shop, but I am working on that. I always have to be doing something. I am capricious, obstinate, awful at paper work, horrible with money, loyal, forgiving, sensitive, bite off more than I can chew at times, but will always get it done, learning to say no even when I want to really say yes, passionate, compassionate, snarky, goofy, silly, emotional, (I will deny that.) stubborn (I will deny that too) and a very good friend. Being a "stay at home" mom was never something that I felt fulfilled me, (who does it really?) and that I really have a passion for education....for all children.....and that I need to return to education in a capacity to make real change occur. I came to all these realizations this summer. It has been a heart breaking, heart mending, and fabulous summer. I am me. Take it or leave it.
The end of June, I taught at a bilingual leadership camp for Latino youth that I teach at every summer. It is an amazing program that energizes me and gives my jaded heart hope as I see these young people realize their potential. No hay palabras, there are no words for this camp. I have many friends that I only see at this camp but who are and always will be, my family. Every story I hear, becomes a part of my heart, my joy, and my burden.
I didn't teach the camp last year. My life was too busy. I couldn't fit it in. I was done with education and was about to walk completely away from it. I had my business. My family. I went back this year and was reminded of why I spent 10 years of my life in education. I was reminded of where my true passion really lies. And I was reminded that my goal has always been to get my PhD. And even though I had never admitted it to anyone, I had always wanted to get my PhD from Harvard.
During the planning stages of this camp, two women that have known me for years, asked me why I hadn't got my PhD yet. They said they get excited when I speak and asked what I was waiting for. I didn't know. The right time? I wasn't going to teach anymore? Because I knew that my husband wanted me to go back to work, pay off some bills, and see if it financially made sense? Because I had buried the desire deep down inside so it wouldn't hurt so much? I didn't really have an answer. Then one of them said something to me, that will always stick with me. She said, "How can you or anyone deny you such an intricate part of who you are?" Damn! Really?! My chest started to hurt.
Throughout the week, that statement sit in my heart. I was surrounded by bright, beautiful young people, who many, because of politics, racism, and systemic shortfalls never thought they could achieve their dreams. And I was a part of making them see how special and powerful they really are. And I was about to walk away from it? I was about to walk away from something that I am really good at and passionate about? What the hell? I was going to just drop 10 years of work and tears and progress because it didn't fit in the plans?
Then someone else said something that week. She said that most people self select themselves from the colleges they really want to go to, because they don't think they can get in. Self select themselves out! They don't even give it the old college try. I am sorry. I couldn't resist that one! All these years, I had taken the route that was given to me. Which is fine, because my graduate education cost me next to nothing. I have never applied for a teaching job. They have always been offered to me. I have worked hard to have a good reputation and am glad that it often precedes me. But what I have always wanted, I never dared say out loud and I certainly didn't dare go for it. Until now.
I did some research. It was like the program at Harvard was created especially for me. http://www.gse.harvard.edu/news-impact/2009/09/harvard-university-to-offer-groundbreaking-doctoral-program-for-education-leaders/
Tuition free! With a stipend! Color me there! But Harvard wasn't going to call me. I had to work to get in and work hard. But I decided that was what I was going to do. Imagine what I could do with a degree from Harvard?! Besides brag every chance I got!
The last day of camp, the councilors round up in a circle, exhausted physically and emotionally, to give their thanks and kudos. I finally decided to admit it. I finally decided to say it out loud. And when it came time for me to speak, no words would come out. I began to cry; uncontrollably. All the years of fear and doubt and denial had finally caught up with me. And all the realizations about what I was going to do hit me. This would come at a great cost to my family. I would have to uproot them. Their worlds would be changed....forever. And I was going to be the source and the cause of it. And I knew there would be no turning back or forgetting it for me. It was in my heart. It was in my head. It was going to be my future. And I couldn't speak. For once, I was at a loss for words. The words finally came out, "I am going to apply to Harvard and I am going to get my PhD." There were few people there who truly knew what that meant.
When we said our goodbyes, one friend hugged me, a big old bear hug. His hug was so strong and secure, I felt my knees buckle beneath me and I started to cry again. He told me, "You can do this. You are have a beautiful spirit. You can do this." And I believed him. And for a moment, I let him carry my load. It is not a bad load to bear, but sometimes it can get heavy. I will always remember the faith, love and support my La Cima friends have and will give me throughout the years.
Coming home was a hard transition. Although I missed my kids horribly, I was glad that they were out of town with my husband. I needed to decompress and process the week. I slept. I went for a long walk. I napped. I took care of myself. When I finally told Robert what I wanted, it went exactly how I thought it would. My poor husband. First I had to have the house. I got the house. I had to have the business. I started the business. Now I have to have my PhD......from Harvard?! What's next? I don't know, but I can guarantee that there will be a next thing. I have finally come to terms with that is who I am. And it is okay. And it is not easy to be married to. And that is okay too.
So, I decided to enjoy my summer with my children. I took them camping....for an entire week....in Idaho.....with my sister and her 4 kids......while it rained......the kids had fun. We went swimming and to parks. They met kids in the neighborhood and I let them play in the street with them until the street lights came on. The summer came and it went fast and now it is the end of September and it is pouring down rain. Damn it!
I also decided to be me again in another way. I cut off all my hair. My BFF Angela is in beauty school and rocks! I am so happy with my short hair. I look like me! I went back to running for the joy of it and dropped the half Iron Man. Forget all that training. I just want to run and ride my bike and loose myself for the fun of it! I dropped 10 or so pounds and fit into my sundresses again. I go out with my homies and make sure I have time for myself to have fun and be stupid every week. I am learning to Salsa and speaking my Spanish every chance I get. It has been an awesome summer in a lot of ways. In other ways it has been really difficult.
People have asked me all kinds of questions. Are you doing it on line? No. I can't. I will be moving there. Are you taking the girls with you? Of course I am stupid. THEY ARE MY CHILDREN. Wherever I go, they go. How are you going to handle that? The way I handle everything else. I am just going to do it. Are you going to quit your business? Hell no! That would make sense but I love it and I plan on doing it all. I will just make it work and if I can't, then I will decide what to do. Are you gonna sell the house? Not if I can help it. The program is only 3 years. Seattle is my home and I want me and the girls to be able to come home to our home. What are you going to do with your PhD? Change the damn world!
I took my GRE last Saturday. I think I did a pretty good job. Some are of the opinion that I did great. Others are of the opinion that I did good, but not good enough for Harvard. I am of the opinion to let Harvard decide. I studied for 2 weeks and did a damn good job. Now I need to start filling out my application for Harvard. I think and others who know think, that if I frame my profile right, I have a really good shot at getting accepted. I will know by February if I get asked to interview and by March if I got accepted. And if I didn't get accepted this year, I will just try again next year. And if I don't get accepted then....well I just got denied by one of the best school on earth and I will just have to reformulate my game plan......right after I cry my eyes out.
I want to be done with the application Thanksgiving so I am not stressed out with it during the busy holiday season when my business is the busiest. December 23rd is Babyfara's birthday, another family member's is on the 24th, then it is Christmas, and my birthday on the 28th. I think on my birthday all I want to do is disappear for a couple of days and go somewhere to just sleep and watch stupid movies and not do ANYTHING FOR ANYONE!
Oh! And I am going back to teaching on October 3rd. I will be teaching beginning Spanish and web design to 8th and 9th graders. This position was created for me in mind and I am very excited about it! It is very part time, but it is perfect for me and I have the freedom to create a curriculum that hopefully will be culturally relevant and rich and useful to the kids. Selah and Fara are in swimming on Mondays and Wednesdays and Zoe is in Volleyball Tuesdays and Thursdays. It is crazy busy here at the Blackett household!
When I go through times like this summer, I am always reminded how lucky I really am. I have so many people in my corner. There are so many people who have faith in me and support me, and go along for the crazy crazy ride. I know that I can go from 0-60 and back again in the time it takes some of you to brush your teeth and yet you still somehow put up with me and love me. I don't know how you do it. I think it would be exhausting.
So now the cat is out of the bag. I want it and I want it all and I want it all now. And I am not afraid to do the hard work to get it. But will the price be too high? I know I have brought up the subject of the guilt that women and mothers place on themselves. Well I am piling on a lot of guilt on myself right now. As I navigate through this year, I will lean on my friends and family. I will doubt myself and my motivation. I know there will be times when I wonder if it really is worth it. I hope it is and I am very thankful I have so many in my corner!
No. I didn't forget recipe of the week, month, or season....whatevs!
4 or 5 frozen chicken breasts
a can of tomato paste
a can of diced tomatoes
a bunch of frozen onions
a bunch of frozen multi colored peppers
cumin, salt, and gharam masala
put it all in a slow cooker and cook for 6 hours or until down. Serve over rice. Easy peasy. To spice up the leftovers a bit, add prawns and diced sausage. yummy!
